To the good people of CHAZ:
Greetings and salutations, my lefty friends! I’m going help you build your experimental new revolutionary nation — now that you have your borders and armed militia — right in the middle of Seattle.
CHAZ is the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone, made up of several blocks of Seattle that were commandeered by protesters when the cops were told to pull back and let the “people” just loot what they wanted and run their own lives.
“You are now leaving the USA,” says a sign at the border of CHAZ.
They have a farm, armed guards, snacks, art projects and most likely poetry readings of approved texts. And, they reportedly even have a “tax” on people and remaining businesses to help with “operations,” but that just might be royalist propaganda.
Building a new nation isn’t easy, my CHAZian friends. But to prove I support true diversity, I’ll write your Konstitushun, so you may organize yourselves, from your collective farms to your appropriate sports activities, and even how best to wear your underwear.
If you follow the Konstitushun of CHAZ, you’ll at least be sure to keep your plants alive, so you won’t go hungry and begin cannibalizing the weak, whom you care so much about.
The first article of the Konstitushun specifies that all plants must be nourished with Brawndo.
Because Brawndo has what plants crave — electrolytes. Everybody knows this to be true.
If you don’t know about CHAZ, you’re probably still stuck on old COVID-19 news, worried that if you dare gather in groups, you’ll be denounced as murderers willing to spread disease. But then came the George Floyd protests, and public health experts who did not want to be denounced as witches decided we may gather as before.
Besides, CHAZ isn’t some fake country. It isn’t some fictional “Idiocracy,” like the sci-fi movie that accurately predicts America’s future, and from which I stole the fake Brawndo idea.
CHAZ isn’t fiction like Brawndo. It’s a real, live nation in the state of Washington, which should soon be renamed because, well, the name “Washington” triggers so many people now. They might as well call it “The Republic of Howard Zinn.”
Stay free, CHAZ! Never bend the knee to President Donald Trump.
Trump is the only thing that could screw up this brave new world.
So, I’m warning Trump and all Republicans to LEAVE CHAZ ALONE.
Don’t be stupid and send in the military, Mr. President. That would be idiotic, and you’ll ruin everything.
The governor of Washington doesn’t mind CHAZ being its own country in the middle of Seattle. And the mayor of Seattle doesn’t mind, either. Just let CHAZ be, so it can prove to everyone how a people can govern themselves with no laws or law enforcement.
Just let people live in their natural state and just do what feels right. And let’s just see what happens. It’ll be like “Lord of the Flies” but with good coffee.
Seattle police Chief Carmen Best said pulling out the police to allow the formation of CHAZ wasn’t her big idea. She called it an “exercise in trust and de-escalation” and she’s not even the mayor of Minneapolis.
Now CHAZ may even have its own warlord, the rapper Raz Simone. But he hates being called a warlord.
“The President really put a hit on my head,” Simone tweeted. “I’m not a Terrorist Warlord.”
OK, but maybe you better change your name to something a bit more nebbishy, like say, “Fielding Melish,” the neurotic character played by Woody Allen in the movie “Bananas,” which is about a guy who joins a revolution because he’s attracted to a revolutionary female.
Yes, I know Allen has been “canceled.” But “Bananas,” made before Allen’s cancellation, explains so much about CHAZ.
Mr. Simone, how about declaring yourself king, instead? But be a good king. Don’t make people kneel, like King Joffrey from “Game of Thrones.”
Either way, warlord, Melish or king, you must help your people. With everybody in your humid nation already somewhat musky from lack of showers, you must protect the hygiene of the people.
In “Bananas,” the leftist revolution prevailed in “San Marcos.” And the new presidente made some important announcements:
“Hear me. I am your new president. From this day on … all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check.”
Wise words. Underwear outside the pants. For the good of the people.
And what about recreation? You can’t very well allow the people of CHAZ to play American football, which is a violent, crypto-fascist game that glorifies the taking of land.
Why did I decide to help CHAZ?
Because here in America, our old, boring “A Republic, if you can keep it” thing is falling apart. It’s not woke enough. We began “decolonizing” our libraries so that now, Americans can’t even remember why we started this “republic” thing in the first place.
Stay free! And change your name to Freedonia. It’s smoother, like a good latte.
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